We haven't posted in a long time--life's been happening in a lot of different ways. Tonight I, "E" feel the need to write so here it goes:

In a fit of self-relfection, I'm discovering very quickly that I don't like myself. I don't like who I've become, how people react to me, and how I respond to others. I feel like I just make mistake  after mistake and then don't do a good job of "fixing it" Instead I get stuck in a rut, I'm currently in the rut of of "whys" and that is frustring. Sometimes you think things are going well but then you learn that life is complicated and really messy. In my case, I often find that I'm negative and that I just piss people off. It is a horrible feeling to know that no matter how great things are going ultimately I will fuck it up and be stuck in a rut. Stuck is the recurring theme here and its where I'm at tonight. 

Prayers and positive thought are appreciated. 

Baby Name Book

So FD and I have been busy--FD with the job hunt business and me with life in general but I had a good story that's funny for the single non-parents out there.

I was out garage sailing with mom (yes we sail from place to place) when she picked up a baby name book. She told me I should buy it, I kind of looked at it like what the heck? I said, "well I mean I know I'm probably doing the single mom by choice thing but that's a few years out yet." She said, "E, I meant for your foster dogs, you always say you need help with names." I thought yeah, that's true. So in preparation of a future mythical child I now have a baby book with 25,000 names that I'm using for my foster dogs in the mean time.

A "Solo Date"

E is going on a date tonight. By herself. She's going to see "White House Down" and stare at Channing Tatum and Jamie Foxx at the 10:45 show. E doesn't have a ton of close personal friends in the town where she lives--which is totally okay, but that said she's not dating anyone either so she made the decision to go see a movie alone. A few of E's not close peeps on FB don't understand why she wants to go alone--isn't that hard when people stare? is the main question asked. E thinks, well I don't think anyone really stares at me or cares that I'm by myself, but okay. So here's to a "solo date" and some yummy Channing Tatum :)

Contingency Plans

Hey there,

So I (E) made the decision to go ahead and buy a few books about parenting. I know that I'm single and that I'm not quite ready to be a mom yet--but as I flutter along on this path to life, I'm quickly finding that I still want to be a parent. IT isn't just selfish motivation but given the experiences that I've had, I know that I can be a good mom and a good nurturer. 

My parents and sibling are in full support, as is FD and I do have a support system in the town where I live. My mom actually bought me a "baby name book" at a garage sale recently. I looked at her and said, "Mom, I'm not quite at that point yet." She said "E, I was thinking for your foster dogs but you can hold onto it for a few years if you want to." I'm using the baby book for naming my foster dogs :) and maybe I will use it for my future child as well. 

Life has a funny way of changing our plans, I thought I'd already be married with a kid or two by now but that's not how my life has panned out. I'm going to make plans to go it alone and then maybe I'll meet someone but either way a contingency plan, isn't a bad idea. 

What are you hiding?

FD and E had a short conversation today about making plans for the 4th...clearly they live in different states so they were separate plans. E said both of the people she does things with on occasion will be out of town and her sister is working. When E suggested that she might go visit her parents E's sister got upset (even though she's working). She asked E, "well what about your guy friend?" E responded, "that's not how that thing works." So E is spending another holiday (woo hoo its the 4th) alone. 

Some people equate being busy with having a social life--E is SUPER guilty of this and FD admitted she does it too. E's take on being busy is that "busyness hides loneliness" which she is prob guilty of more than many people. See, E technically works 4 jobs, coaches, volunteers, does the church thing, volunteers some more, and is in a couple of clubs and on a committee at work--its called the state of being an overachiever. E has always been kind of (okay a lot of) a loner. "Flowers on the Wall" (the song)probably is fitting at times--not that she smokes cigarettes or really talks to herself. E is what is known as an extroverted introvert or the most complicated personality type there is--GO E! Which means she constantly feels like she is "on" but is always being judged and walks on eggshells. E can only take so much of people and she needs time away to recharge--like lots of time. Being an introvert is complicated in itself because this world isn't kind to the introverts. It is set up for extroverts. E likes to be behind the scenes out of sight so that she can avoid people, emotions, and other parts of life. She stays busy but often finds that she is very lonely even amongst a crowd. Which is probably why E is single and has a hard time overcoming it.  

What's the solution? Don't know. Maybe it is just accepting one's self.  Maybe it is being forced outside the comfort zone, either way it is a challenge E faces. 

Vegas Here E Comes

E is headed to Vegas for a week and is kind of excited about it. She's never been and doesn't really know what to expect. It will be part conference part fun and her sister is also going along on the trip. The only advice E has gotten for the trip is to be spontaneous. FD can attest to the fact that E is NOT spontaneous, she is orderly and likes things planned out. This will be a new adventure for her! One of E's friends told her E can be dirty fun and he meant it in a funny way. E isn't so sure about that. 

One thing E knows is that she is going to be on an adventure as a single gal in a busy and vibrant city. She is hoping to have lots of fun and hopefully stay out of trouble...any advice for this single girl, leave it below! 

Flavored of a single girl

I'm spending a few days at my parents before heading to Las Vegas for the first time next week. While I visit my home town I like to think about all of the changes that have taken place in the last 2 years. The biggest is that I quit my job on a whim (leap without looking--hope I don't bottom) and took a teaching position at an alternative school. Yes, I was happier being cussed at and called a "bitch" on a semi-regular basis. I learned lots at that job including the meaning of "trains" -don't ask, the fact that kids will treat you like "fam" if you treat them well, and that if you can dish it out as well as take it you will survive. I learned that was my first "flavor" that I had good inner strength and the will to make a difference. I had a bunch of inner city "hood rats" as the kids called themselves doing P90x and walking the mile with me outside. The ice cream truck almost always a managed to come by on our walks and the kids would but me ice cream...but at least we were exercising.

I also bought a house, a scary prospect in itself but doing it alone I think is even scarier. I don't have someone to help support me so figuring out how to handle it alone became my second flavor. My basement was damaged in a recent flood and my crazy washer has decided it hates life (4 spin cycles and it leaks) but I will deal with it.

The third flavor became accepting who I am and where I am in life. That's still a work in progress. I mean who's perfect?

There are a lot more flavors to me but as I flutter about solo I think I will be just fine.

Complete or incomplete?

Recently, I was asked by a co-worker what it would take to make my life complete. I didn't quite no how to respond, I mean my life complete enough as it is. I think they were getting at the "enough" part of my statement. Being single isn't a "state of being" its just a type of life style that a lot of people don't understand. Its like we are these species that don't fit into a mold when really we are living our lives to the best of our ability. So when my co-worker asked me how to be complete, I thought about the things on my wish list is different than FD's. Upon a lot of reflection and attending vespers and having to think about clarity and direction I would say: teacher, nurturer, mentor, mother, lover, compassionate, and empathetic. The list isn't exhaustive and its not all inclusive. That being said I know what I want--I don't know how I'll get there but sometimes I think of the Trace Adkins' Song "You're Gonna Miss This." (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBDN8yWyNYU) I know that as my life changes, I will miss being a single 30 something. In the mean time I wouldn't say my life is incomplete but really a work in progress--hey, it might be messy but at least I'm trying. I have a sense of completeness because of the things I do the relationships I have and the effort I've made with others.

Who do you notice?

The picture posted kind of explains the journey for so many singletons. It's not that we are "alone" but rather people our age are getting married, in serious relationships, and/or have kids. I've for my first wedding in a year, FD has 6 of them coming, this week. I'm happy to go to the nuptials and support my friend. I'm not looking forward to it from the going alone and the comments that at sure to ensue.

Fluttering solo means figuring things out on your own. I don't have anyone to bounce ideas off so that means that at major decisions I'm making alone. Super easy when it comes to what to watch on tv...football or hgtv, yep extreme opposites. Who doesn't like "House Hunters?" Harder when making big decisions like on finances, family stuff, home repairs, etc...not looking for sympathy just stating reality.

Cuddling...with a man pillow

So "e" clearly found this on some Pinterest board. It kind of fits the idea of filling the void and as mentioned E really likes to cuddle. Why not cuddle with an inanimate object like a man shaped pillow?

E was hanging out with a few peeps not that long ago when one of them brought up the idea of needing a partner to be successful and have kids. First, kids and success are two different things but you get the idea. You don't need a partner to do either. It's frustrating that society has decided to some extent that women are only "good enough" if we get married and pop out babies. Maybe this seems extreme but let's think about a few of them that have pushed this point of view lately. One idiot and yes, he's a idiot, said women can't have it all. Men can. Women lose perspective the minute the baby touches her bosom. So a women's nipple defines her future? That's just stupid. The pillow may be the better option after all...

Little Black Sheep

I've spent most of my life as the black sheep in my family, ironic and slightly fitting as the Farmer's Daughter. But as I've gotten older, grown closer with some family members, and drifted farther from others, I've realized that being that little black sheep isn't a bad thing. At least I'm true to my status. 

E and I have shared several laughs over the years of our black sheep status, because if you don't laugh, you'll just cry. Incredibly, while we hold the black sheep status, the white sheep aren't as white as they pretend to be.  E's family has their fair share of crazy, and mine, well I'm pretty sure they have an underground garage of crazy! 

It started with my being too independent, too stubborn, and having too good of a head on my shoulders. I never realized those were bad traits. But the real kicker seems to be that I'm 28 and still single.  The horror!  I was informed one Christmas by a cousin, who by the way is working on wedding number 2, that I need to find a man so I'm no longer a disgrace to the family, I'll get right on that.

~FD

 

A lifetime love

Both E and I have been raised to be pretty strong, independent, resilient women, but sometimes that's just not enough.  Sometimes life still hands us a lesson that knocks us down and it's hard to get back up from.  A long time ago I fell in love with a guy, not just any guy, but my lifetime best friend's brother.  And not just any love, a lifetime love. Nothing was said, and life took us in different directions, for me a few college degrees and a career, for him college, career and a family.  Watching him walk down the aisle with someone other than myself was the hardest thing I've ever had to endure, or so I thought at the time. 

Fast forward ten years, he's divorced and I'm thanking my lucky stars for my second chance, but I always seem to forget, life never really works that way.  For the first time in my life I truly opened up to someone and told them how I feel, trusted them with my feelings, desires, and my love.  E can attest, that was a GIANT step for this Farmer's Daughter.  I guess we have too much history, or something, and he thinks we won't work, he quit us, before there was even an us to quit.  Queue the hardest hurdle, how does one get over a lifetime love? Realizing that the one person you thought you couldn't live without, wants to live without you is gut wrenching. 

Back to fluttering solo, attempting to pick up the pieces, and stumbling my way through this crazy journey called life.  

~FD

A candle to replace a guy...kind of

So FD and E were at a local gift shop in E's town recently. While there they were browsing through candles and E picked one up that totally smells like awesome men's cologne. Yes, she is replacing men with candles...for now.

As a single person there are certain things that E and FD have agreed that they miss. For FD its the ease of conversation and the comfort of someone to confide in. For E its cuddling and the bonding you can have over stupid things like football games (the only reason E doesn't cancel Comcast). So for now as the flutter solo, E and FD will find other things (like candles) to fill the void.

The Hummingbird...

A female hummingbird is known for being smart (actually all hummingbirds are). They have sharp memories and can use that to their advantage when the occasion rises. Hummingbirds know how to show off their brillance when they need to but will also hide their light on occasion. Hummingbirds like to and spend most of their life perching and watching the world around them. Their legs are super weak which is why the flutter and soar from point to point in life. Males and females also don't mate for life and females are left to raise the young while males are protective and territorial.

How accurate of a description for what FD and E are seeing in their own lives! E especially gets the perching and watching life happen. She's finally letting life happen to her with mixed results. FD is on a new path and is soaring through some rough times. Both E and FD have learned to hide their brillance or themselves (we don't think we're super brillant in that sense) because it gets abused when its just put out there for others.

Here's a link to Tom Mcrae's "Hummingbird"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxjQw3HX_Ac

Here are the lyrics:
Lyrics to Hummingbird Song :

Sunlight beats down hard here
Count the cracks in the ground
And we sleep through days of flood and fire
At night we fly above this town

Now we're coming down
Now we're coming down
We're coming down

At night I dream of the hummingbird
Feel the beatings of its wings
And if you only had one choice my dear
Would you fly or would you sing

Now we're coming down
Now we're coming down
We're coming down

And in a year of new beginnings dear
How do we write the end?

Here she comes
Here she comes
The hummingbird
The hummingbird
The hummingbird

Sunlight beats down hard here
Count the cracks in the ground
And we sleep through days of flood and fire
At night we fly above this town

Now we're coming down
Now we're coming down
We're coming down

At night I dream of the hummingbird
Feel the beatings of its wings
And if you only had one choice my dear
Would you fly or would you sing

Now we're coming down
Now we're coming down
We're coming down

And in a year of new beginnings dear
How do we write the end?

Here she comes
Here she comes
The hummingbird
The hummingbird
The hummingbird

That's what we kind of are right now as we both flutter solo through life's journey.

Meet me on my grave...that awkward baby conversation with your grandma

How many of you have had pressure from various family members to do something? For singles it can be anything from getting/switching to a new job, getting an education, getting married, buying a house, "settling down," having kids, etc... Sometimes the pressure can be made into a joke and sometimes you can turn the words back to your family member. Here's the story of E's last interaction about Grandma pressure.

E and her sister were at her grandmother's house visiting and they took the great granddogs to see Gram. Gram made the comment that while she liked seeing the dog she'd rather see some great grandbabies before she was dead. E and her sister both looked at each other and then at Gram and Sis said, "well we're not the only grandkids." For the record, there are eight grandchildren that range in age from 39 to 20. Realistically five of eight could have children and none do. Gram said to E and Sis that "they should find men before the great grands had to meet her by dancing on her grave." Gram has this weird fasination with death and has wanted to actually die in her sleep for the last few years--so meeting her on her grave wouldn't be so strange, even if that's morbid sounding. Welcome to E's family. Gram then said "well in my stories it isn't so hard, they do that online thing--you know match something or whatever the hell its called and meet men just fine. You girls should try it." Her stories consist of CBS soap operas where psychics exit and people come back from the dead but hey, what do E and her sister know? So E and Sis explained to Gram what online dating was like for E the last time around (creepy--70 year old men "winking" and sending icky emails) and said it cost money. Gram said "I'll pay for it because you need to get on the baby business."  When Gram couldn't persuade E or Sis to do the match business, she said "well if nothing else why don't you "hook up" and just get pregnant? As if it is that easy. After about an hour of awkward conversation E and Sis were able to convince Gram that all wasn't lost and E was considering her options--NOT match, eharmony, chemistry, or any online anything and NOT a "hook up." Think more along the lines of adoption or a single mom by choice route. Who knows something else could happen in the mean time? Good news did come in the last month though--E's older cousin and partner are looking at surogacy so Gram is now off E and Sis' backs

Cliches: whatever is meant to be will be

We were having a discussion about cliches yesterday when we started throwing out really common ones that we hear ALL THE TIME. One of the cliches that came up was whatever is meant to be will be. In theory, both E and FD agree but when you constantly are baraged with it the cliche quickly gets old.

In FD's case, she has some family members that constantly are on her to "find a man" because that's fun and in E's case its to have babies (man or no) because she's getting ancient. When we mention to our families that we aren't at that point they like to say well whatever is meant to be will be. Awesome. Thanks for pointing that out. In one recent interaction with her grandmother, E was told to try that match.com thing like grandma sees in her soaps. E tried to explain to grandma how creepy match and eharmony can be--I mean come on, who's looking for a 60 year old sugar daddy that likes to "wink" at you on match? E isn't. FD tried several of the online dating sites with no success to. Grandma told E that maybe she's just meant to be alone which won't be a fun existence--thanks Grandma.

So in theory while we agree whatever is meant to be will be--stop saying it to people, they already get it and they already know why the single life is a challenge without your help.

You don't have a family...

So we've had numerous conversations between us about cliches people seem to think it is okay to direct toward the singletons in this world. We're pretty sure if you're in that boat you've probably heard them, rolled your eyes, laughed at them, and sometimes become a little annoyed. Probably the worst "myth" that is spread by those that aren't single is the idea that because you are single and childless that you "don't have a family." For FD and E our families consist of parents, a sibling for E, our dogs, some extended family (that we sometimes claim), and friends.

E once had a boss that didn't want her to take off to go with a parental unit to the doctor. When E pointed out it was covered under their sick leave policy and under FMLA, her boss stated "but he's not family." E rebounded with "then I guess you aren't taking your stepson to his orthdonist appointment, because he's not family?" Her boss backed down very quickly. Family can be defined very weirdly and yes, both E and FD consider their puppies to be furchildren. If you don't have pets, you may not get this concept but for both E and FD their dogs are the ones they come home to and the ones that cost A LOT of money. E just spent $2000 on an ACL repair for one dog and $500 on an allergic reaction for the other. Plus we have like 500 pictures of our dogs on our phones; our FB status updates are usually about our dogs; and our dogs are just like the smartest things ever.

The worst thing in the working world is when you are the one that is always expected to pick up the slack or to stay behind because you "don't have a family." No, we don't have children (well, furry ones...but whatever) but we do still have families and we do still value our time away from work.

Collaboration coming...

Two minds think alike, at least for E and FD. The picture describes our lives in this moment...

Soft Vaginas, Hair Falling Out, Parenting Advice, and a Ratchety High School Graduation

So I'm a high school teacher that recently had graduation for my school. Graduation is ALWAYS exciting. This year we had more than 30 students in the top 10, they changed the order of graduation on kids after rehearsal and then went out of order on the program, and we had a fist fight between little kids. The crowd could best be described as 'ratchety' or according to an online urban dictionary (and my students) very diva like. Yelling, throwing signs, a bull horn, a trumpet, cow bells, and an attempt at yodeling...seriously.

Prior to graduation, the teaching staff was in the waiting area with the kids reminiscing on the school year and on some of the good, bad, funny, and down right stupid things we saw throughout the course of the year. The talk shifted to parenting and parenting choices. One of my co-workers brought up about how she's glad she's done parenting because her kids really stressed her out. Various co-workers chimed in with similar points. Myself and my younger married co-worker had darting eyes like ping pongs as we followed the conversation. Out of the blue, one of my colleagues said, "E, stay single for a while and MC (Married Coworker) don't pop out babies yet." We were both like, "okay." She said, "no seriously, babies make your vagina soft, like it changes your whole life. Your period, sex, everything, its different." Um, yeah. Another co-worker said "and your hair falls out, my kids make my hair fall out. Seriously, you single girls have the right idea." Um, yeah.

I really didn't know what to say--my vagina will be soft and I'll be balding. Sounds like a plan. In reality, according to my awesome research (hey, I'm a teacher and have a background in the medical field) it is your cervix that softens with childbirth not the VJ. It needs to in order for the baby to be born. So myth 1 is now corrected. Hair falling out is related to stress--or ripping your hair out, literally, while screaming at your kid because that sounds like a great gameplan. Most parents don't lose their hair or their minds when parenting--at least in my experience with thousands of high school students over the past years.

My "kids" and yes I'm one of those teachers that uses "my kids" graduated on Saturday. I was super proud to be a part of their lives for the period of time they were in it. As a single, childless woman, my dogs and my kids are the pictures hanging in my classroom. Someday I do want kids of my own but that's a whole different blog post...so today you learned that "E" knows what ratchety means, that she should stay single for now, that her vagina will soften (per my co-worker) and she'll go bald. Happy Tuesday!

Welcome to 28...

I spent last night catching up with several old friends, this summer we're all officially entering our "late 20's." I've got one month until the big 2-8. This Farmer's Daughter happens to be the only one who is still single in the group, which has all of the older generation completely baffled. 

Yet we singletons get it, at least E and I do. 

Stumbled across this e-card and had to laugh at the truth. My wedding count for the next year is seven thus far. Oh yea, you read that right, seven weddings in 12 months. I'll be standing up in three and sitting down for four. Two of those have already informed me that since I'm not seeing anyone, I'll not be able to bring a date. The weddings aren't until next April/May.... that's saying a lot for their confidence in my potential dating capabilities. 

Although with the dating stories I alone could tell you, not to mention those from E, they are probably actually justified in their assumptions  Our stories would have tears running down your face in moments, both the funny ha-ha tears and the tears of stories that hit too close to home. And everyone has stories; life would be bland without them. It would just be ideal if there wasn't more often than not a painful price tag associated with those experiences… 

I say, bring on the Year of the Weddings. 

It's a good thing I have my responses memorized for all the age old cliches I'm sure to hear, maybe, just maybe, I'll turn them into a drinking game! I am after all not too old for that yet.... right?!

~FD

Oreos, Sweatpants, Netflix, and a Polish Wedding...

Why is it that singletons are okay with it but the rest of society is determined that we will "find the right guy" anytime soon?

There are many nights when I enjoy staying in with my cutoff yoga pants on, popcorn (and milk) for a snack--don't question it, and Harry Potter on TV. Yes, E is a Harry Potter fan, sue me. My couch is comfy and I have a nice size flat screen TV (42") in the living room, who wouldn't like to relax?

FD and I have numerous stories that back this up but I'll start with this one.

So I went to a friend's wedding last summer, a Polish wedding with about 300 other guests. My friend and his wife asked if I'd mind coming alone since I wasn't dating anyone--totally fine, I'm used to going solo. Another of his single guests brought a friend as her "date" and I don't think she had it any different. From my friend's Polish inlaws, "how can a girl your age still be single?" "He's out there waiting, you'll find your prince." "Do you like being single?" "Oh honey, don't worry age is just a number." "Hope you catch the flowers, they are like magic..." um, yeah, at least they meant well. The other friend that brought a "date" was asked about 15 times how long they'd been seeing each other, when they planned to tie the knot, and if she was looking forward to starting a family. Lots of alcohol later and we all had a blast. Oh and my friends that got married--they're doing awesome and have adopted a dog together :). I'm still single with dogs...

Fluttering Solo

To flutter means that one is flying unsteadily...such is the journey of the farmer's daughter (FD) and the teacher (E). We are two Gen Y singletons that are a part of a whole new demographic that many don't know what to do with. We are educated and we both have careers. We are single and in our late 20s and early 30s. We go to weddings alone and are the 3rd (or 5th) wheel when hanging out with friends. We listen to friends talk about weddings, pregnancies, potty training, and the trash not being taken out. We have 500 pictures of our dogs on our iphones, know how to go it alone, and are relied upon by co-workers because they "don't have any family." FD and E both hail from the Midwest although FD lives and works on the gulf and E remains in the Midwest. They are friends from high school that have learned that fluttering is not so bad and that frustrations can be really funny...

Yes, I realize that I just posted the introduction off the google+ profile but it basically sums up what the farmer's daughter (FD) and the teacher (E) are all about. We were raised in the same small city in the Midwest--although FD grew up on a farm and E wouldn't know more about farming than the saying for corn of "knee high by the Fourth of July." As we've gotten older--yes, ancient in our late 20s/early 30s, we've found that being single longer is becoming more of the norm for our generation. One of us have been the boomerrang child (E), One of us have done the serious relationship without marriage (FD), and both of us have found that people don't know what to do with the Gen X/Y  demographic of singletons.

Weddings and babies have been delayed in the face of education and career. E bought a house on her own and FD transplanted herself to a state on the Gulf of Mexico for school and work. While our friends, family, and co-workers marry, have kids, and live life, we flutter about and try to figure out ours. What we've learned: frustration is funny and so we thought, why not share it?